Reflection

In university we were taught to reflect. Actually, we reflect all the time, just not formally. The shower is a common place for us to reflect on events or even scheme up future events. I hated reflecting officially on paper for my tutors to read because the grammar and flow needed to be thought out well.. and the content mature, meaningful and structured. Hahaha, I suppose blogging is some where in between a formal and informal way of reflecting.

Anyway, I had been looking back on past entries and even just pondering about my life now as opposed to five months ago. I am almost at the six month mark after my break up. The initial objectivity of my blog had changed just one day of my starting my (previous) blog; from a simple blog show casing EVERYTHING I bought to a general everything and anything blog. I guess, I partly needed to write things about him, us, myself, my friends and the kaypohchis to let the hurt out. Repair and heal. Surprisingly, I bounced back quicker than I imagined; I imagined I'd still be brawling my eyes out now!

I think the number one people in my life the last few months were my mother (bangga!) and my friends. My mother basically fended this guy off back home. My friends asked me out every free day I had just to cheer my up. Other friends had let me be and allowed me not to talk about him at work - which was great - because the last thing would be to break down in front of clients. Kaypochis, on the other hand, tried giving me LGBT advice.... *facepalm* hello, who is gay here?

I'm not the one who is gay

So, actually I haven't actually thought about him much this 2012. Can count, two times. One was last week on the way to King's Road whilst listening to So Long, So Long by Dashboard Confessional and Someone Like You by Adele and tearing up in the District Line. Bloody marah with myself if I actually messed up my eyeliner. Add salt to wound, saw two really good-looking, fashionable, straight-dressed-but-can-tell-they're-gay men embracing each other super lovingly on the District Line. Happy for them la and I also want to be loved by true straight and good looking guy (not too much to ask, right?)! They're the kind of guys my ex-boyfriend would oogle over. Although he only told me he likes straight-looking gay guys, I have a good idea what kind of guy he is into la. Errr, puke because when I first met him, this wasn't what I had in mind. Hurgh, luckily was my stop then so I can go shopping, forget him and be happy!

The second time was a few nights ago. Wa, nightmare man. I dreamt I was still (friends) with that bangau. Sakit hati betul (Really heartache) see him every day. Feel like throwing things at him. Avoid him and all his/our friends. Sit alone. Hold back tears. Feel like hitting myself. Feel like pouring hot oil on myself! Stressful gila babi punya dream. Luckily was just a dream before higher cortical function regained control. Why la you dream about him, little mind?

Another thing I noticed; I am buying so much clothes! Most of it is winter stuff if not dresses. I can think of a few reasons: 1) cold; 2) want to look pretty; 3) no boyfriend to tell me "No need la, let's go; 4) no boyfriend to sabotage me to not look nice; and 5) some income. Hmmm, but I also notice I am not planning travelling as much. Is the buying compromising the travel? Another few reasons for lack of travel planning: 1) busy with work/interviews/projects; 2) want to spend time relaxing in my bed; 3) no money; and 4) so cold.

But I am trying to book annual leave so X fingers, maybe can holiday at the end of the month or early next month!