Wednesday, 1 February 2012

Essexian Conversations

Today saw me traversing Essex on foot, bus and train for at least two good solid hours. At least two. I dare not count. Despite having been awake for more than 24 hours and snoozing at every opportunity, I tuned into the tiny, tiny interesting and humorous things people around Essex said.

Conversation 1 involved someone listening really loudly to their mobile music device on headphones loudly. The lady counterpart of an elderly couple began...
Lady: Someone's going to go dead in a few years listening to their i-Pod (yes, there was a stressor and pause in the name) that loud
Man: Huh?
Lady: You mean you can't hear it? I can hear it drifting off behind us
Man: No
Lady: Is your hearing aid working?
Man: Yes
Five minutes of silence passes
Lady: Really you can't hear it?
Man: Mmmm..
One minute of silence passes
Lady: I'm amazed what the hearing aid can pick up

Conversation 2
This was a conversation over the phone. The girl on the phone basically looked like a typical Essex girl with fake hair, fake tan, tons of make-up, short skirt, etc etc... Unfortunately, not as pretty as the typical Essex girl one would conjour in their minds.
Until she opened her mouth and talked about ?her and ?her girl friend's gay boyfriends one would have thought her as an Essexian. The script was so Shakespearean drama helped by her strong Irish twang; for a good moment I thought she was rehearsing on the phone for a lead role in a modern version of Romeo and Romeo against Juliet or something. It was sooooooooooo dramatic, melodic and without a pause.
Also very interestingly, instead of calling her girl friend, "Hey guurrl friend", it was always "Pretty woman". For example, "Pretty woman, if I ever see that man again I'm gonna...." or "Pretty woman, don't let that man get..." and some of the language was pretty obscene but nicely censored by her difficult-to-understand accent. I wish I could have video recorded this girl! Truly one of a kind!

Conversation 3
So I'm admiring the sunny English weather despite the bitter cold when the one and only Kelvin Hammaforda (name changed to protect identity) walks in the room and in his very classic way says, "It's gonna snow.....AHAHAHAHAHAHA". And you can't help but actually and genuinely laugh because it's really contagious even though one dreads it to snow.

And, today... I saw the guy who looks like the man of my dreams! Note, he just looks like the man of my dreams but is not the man of my dreams (read: married). One day, I will meet the man of my dreams who looks just like him. He caught me correcting my hair in the mirror and being vain. Surprisingly, he remember who/what I was even if he didn't remember my name. The man of my dreams will: 1) resemble him; 2) have interest; and 3) remember my name [and 4) not be gay or married or a player].

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