A Year

It has been 365 days since I broke up... Yesterday would have been a year but with the leap year, today is 365 days.

A year and a day ago, I was upset on my bathroom floor whilst talking to him on the phone. And, the bathroom was really the only place my flatmates couldn't hear me upset. I knew then that it sucked but I knew things could only get better.

It has gotten better and I feel I have also come a distance.

I have moved across the pond; I did not expect that.

I have bought and rode my bicycle on ROADS after not really riding bikes since I was in primary school.

I have bought a car on the 4th of August and I'm making use of my driving skills after having passed my first driver's test in Asia when I was 16 and again, in the UK when I was 25. And, I do like driving

I have gone blueberry picking, sunflower sighting, waterfalling, beer brewing hopping, lying in the grass under the sun, going out, making friends and so on......

Wow, so it has been 365 days since I broke up. And, I didn't get here alone. Thank you all. x

Happiness Vs Sadness In A Day

I am sitting here in my landlady's dining room and it smells like durian. I like the smell of durian but this smell is probably what durian smells like to white people; annoyingly smelling. Yes, it smells like durian with a hint of annoyance. I haven't seen any durian in Vermont but I did see a skunk on the way home tonight...

I was cycling on the pedestrian pathway (eekk!) just round the corner from home. I was pretty happy to be close to home as it was already dark and I didn't think I'd make it at first. So, I paddled happy happy until I saw this animal super scurry past onto the main road and it lift its tail. I recognized it as Pepe Le Pew and I breaked, paddled quicker but tried not to be too quick in case I startled it further and it sprayed me!! I hear its spray makes people blind. Smell, fine, I can live with and probably I'd be conveniently unpopular at work.. but blind, NO! I was screaming whilst cycling. That's probably quite a sight for Vermonters (me, not the skunk) but good thing it was dark.

So, I didn't get sprayed. Why does it smell? Cos, the dog got sprayed. Silly thing. It was probably the same skunk I saw that sprayed the dog. And, so, he stinks... But not only did I get to see a skunk for the first time in my life, I get to smell it without being sprayed!

And, before I got home, I got lost.. in the darkness of Vermontian country. I was trying to get to a BBQ party but got lost. I did eventually find my way out of sheer determination with a sense of independence which was probably born out of stupidity. I was probably like a 10 minute cycle to my destination but when I decided to turn around because 1) I was already five hours late (read: work, bus, no car) and; 2) I skidded and fell off my bike. The latter made me realize that the last stretch was the most dangerous cos I literally could not see and the gravel gave no grip to my bike's tyres. The last thing I wanted was to like on a pitch black dirt road with long bone fractures and to be run over by a car T_T It would be such a tragic way to die although I'd have gotten to enjoy the stars and fireflies before dying that theoretical death...

So, yes. I did see stars again and I still love it. I still want to lie in a field in the middle of the night (much preferable with friends in the picture). And, I saw fireflies lighting up here and there too! They were kinda blue-ish like the colour of bluetooth but a little less intense. Wow, who would have thought. Fireflies in Vermont! Even in Malaysia they say the fireflies are less common now.. I so wouldn't be surprised if there were anymore fireflies. I have been telling my landlady how amazing it is that there are so many bugs here and she remains unimpressed with all the bugs.. I guess one learns to appreciate only when things are gone? You get the drift.

I saw a skunk and fireflies today! Plus stars. What a day.

Of course, I did feel a little scared, sad.. I dun actually know what I felt being in the dark. I thought I was probably more scared of bumping into some American psycho who'd kidnap me and kill me in the fields and nobody would know. I thought I was probably more scared of that than seeing some crazy reptile coming out from the grass. I mean, I freaked when I saw the skunk but I also was so impressed and was laughing and happy. I can't imagine myself laughing if I met an American psycho. And, of course I wish I bought a lamp for my bicycle...

Riding in the dark and failing to get to my destination wasn't the first transportation issue of the day. Earlier in the morning, I rode my bike to catch the shuttle. My heart dropped when the stop looked kinda deserted indicating that the shuttle probably wasn't running. I called switchboard and they were like, "Yes! There is no shuttle on the weekend". I was like OMG LATE 4 WORK! I asked for a cab company but the lady was so nice and said she will put me in touch with someone to gimme a ride. In London, the operator would have been like, "Serves u right" except maybe for the male operator who'd call me by my name as soon as he heard my voice! I got the work bang on schedule but seriously, my heart was like crying.

Transport made me cry x2 today.

Fireflies and skunk with a bonus of stars made me happy today!

Work was a different matter althogether so let's discount that.


I'll end with an insightful IDK what: If one wants it to rain, wash one's car. It is the mother of all Rain Dances.

Fourth of July

My first 4th of July in the United States! I am making a lot of firsts here. Like first time to a drive-in theater. First time seeing a chipmunk, it lives underneath our proch! First time hiking this Saturday. First time seeing a Mustand in real life. First time seeing certain flora and fauna I have only seen in movies and cartoons. First time riding a bike on the road. First!!!!!!!

So, here are some pictures from what I did for the 4th of July celebrations.

In Vermont, they celebrate beginning on the night of the 3rd with a 30 minute firework show at the Burlington waterfront. The party kinds starts at 6pm with food stalls and mobile shops around. The crowd slowly builds. We picked a spot away from the main action; North Beach. There were lots of people in North Beach and it was good cos we didn't have to crane our necks or get the build-up of smoke blown towards us after 30 minuts of works.

Multiple works in one big one :-)

Romantic but no one to hold hands and snuggle with. Well, more space for me on the sand blanket!! Lol.

So, the next day, there was a parade at the neighbouring 'village'. I was gonna ride my bike, JC there but the landlandy caught me and said she'd go with me. It was a good thing because it was further than I thought and Williston is bigger than I thought! I would have never found the parade in time. We arrived just as it begun at 10am!

The Front Line
This was followed by the Williston Town Band and they played the national anthem under the American flag and everyone stood silent. My landlady says she usually puts her right hand over her heart; she's so sweet and funny.

Marines! :-)

This was probably the funniest 'club' but yes, Vermonters do love their lawn chairs which they laze on in the evenings after dinner.

Probably my most favourite float. Jazzercise (sp?) group. The dancers were all girls and they were super fit and co-ordinated but the guy behind the truck video-recording them was so funny. He totally maintained this 'Like A Boss' stance all the time!!

Pauquette Full of Poises were giving out free plants! I got one for my landlady.

 The parade lasted about 1.5 hours and we walked back to my landlady's relative's house and enjoyed a session of Wiffle Ball. It is like baseball I guess but the bat is made of plastic and the ball is hollow and also made of plastic. They tried to teach me to bat and my hit rate was between 0 and 25%. Lol.

After that, it was a long afternoon nap before I rode JC for 1.5-2 hours :-)

I love JC

And I went to a BBQ party later that night after a drive in a crazy Vermont summer storm. The landlady's son called to warn me about it; they're such a nice family! We went a bit late and I needed a ride. It was OK but I really hope I can get a car soon.

Then the day ended. I hadn't quite got what I wanted until this morning in my inbox... And me was happy, I guess.

A List of Ramblings

I have been meaning to post posts. Lots of posts. Some post - ok only one - have written in my Blogger app but never posted. Laziness, forgetfulness, busy-ness, distractibility and so on has prevented me from posting. I always feel like there's something better to do! But I do wanna post and because I have left it so long... I'll just make a list of things that occurred last week........

But it's hard to make a list of mundane yet important things. Like how to obtain a social security number the right way. Or just obtaining a social security number. Like how everything important requires me to have a social security number. Like how I need a dental appointment. Like how to get registered with a family physician to look after me the next time I get septic from a urinary tract infection. Like how to cash a cheque even without having a bank account.

Ah yes, I bet you wanted to know the thing about the cheque. Americans get paid every two weeks to keep the motivation up. So, I got paid by a cheque. Firstly, I didn't think I would have gotten paid. Secondly, I didn't know you could cash a cheque without a bank account until I randomly rambled about it and friends told me I could sign it away to someone I trusted to cash it for me. Wow. Talk about being held at gun point to sign away a cheque.. or check as the Americans call it. Of course I wasn't held at gun point, though. However, I think having a check in my possession isn't a great idea at all...

Fine, I will use some brain power to conjure up a fairly interesting list:

1) On Monday, I bought a bicycle! A Jamis Citizen in lovely blue. Accompanied by my friends CV and PS.

I love my JC!

1) On Thursday, I made fish curry for the family I live with. The sambal egg killed me and I think they all (yeah, they all) didn't dare touch it. The fish curry was super watery and after troubleshooting with CV, we figured it was the 5 large tomatoes I put in that was culprit. Plus Madras curry powder isn't a good idea.

2) On Thursday, my first baseball game and watched ZP play the last 30 minutes lol.

ZP batting for the team

After the game, the smooth the sand.. So smooth

3) On Friday, helped my landlady with home improvements in the basement and I now have a plastic wardrobe in my room and my room is much better but still work in progress. I need to say that it is funny how all my colleagues are living in nice apartments by themselves or with their partners and seriously embracing the move away from student and communal living... When I graduated, communal/student living continued amongst a lot of us. I still am doing communal living although a little less communal as it is only with one family. In some ways, I feel like I am living the dream of being an au pair or being part of a cultural exchange program which I totally missed out on cos I never knew it existed! Opportunities present themselves in strange was. I think this requires a full post on: my room; communal living; and my American family.

2) On Saturday, I cycled my new shiny blue bicycle all the way from home to town. It takes 45 minutes by bus plus 15 minutes of tapping me feet at the bus stop. Google maps says riding a bicycle should take 45 minutes. Considering it was scorching hot and I wasn't entirely sure where I was going and frightful of the cars travelling at 45mph (I remained mostly on the pedestrian walkway), I give myself an awkward and painful pat smack in the middle of my back. Well done self, well done even if I say so myself.

3) On Saturday, I still love my bicycle but it was a hassle when it didn't fit my friend's cars. Vermont is super bicycle friendly though. They supply bike lockers for 25 cents for a whole day.. maybe several days cos they are so laid back. Now people don't seem to get the concept of a bike locker when I tell them because they say something about chains to me and I go, "No, no, it is actually a locker like a super big case you enclose your bike in"

4) On Saturday, I helped my friend set up her table and bed and we did it without men. I am not a feminist but I am a believer of, 'If you want something done, do it yourself'.

5) On Saturday, we visited a local microbrewery and well, 25mls of local beer is good enough to cause me to be tipsy

Magic Hat Microbrewery
Free tour and free beer tasting of four samples after

6) On Saturday, we visited another friend's house and it was set within a lot of greenery it reminded me of chalets. Blue wooden and modern chalets.

7) On Sunday, I made amends for all my mistakes.

8) On Sunday, we went to Plattsburgh, NY via ferry and across Lake Champlain to go to Target and I spent a bomb on 24 double rolls of toilet roll, litres of detergent, shampoo, conditioner, sunscreen lotion and you get it.. household items which I hope but I know will not last me four years. I am paralyzed with fear if I run out of toilet roll. What would I wipe my bum with??? Oh the thought fills me with dread. I also did buy Jalapenos Cheetos and Golden Oreos on a lighter note.

Getting off the ferry onto Plattsburgh. NY
It was an immediate change. More cars and shops in New York  with less trees, no wildflowers, insects and animals..
I love Vermont!

Target. I have always read about Target especially on fashion blogs about the clothes at Target. I thought Target was a fashion store but no, they sell EVERYTHING.

9) On Sunday, we celebrated ZP's belated birthday and I met family friends and other family members and was my usual awkward self around all these nice people.

10) Today, I cycled to the dentist who spent 2 minutes with me so he could refer me on to the oral surgery to drain my mucocele. And because I haven't scaled in 2 years, I needed to be scheduled back for two appointments..... I'm pretty sure eight years ago when I hadn't seen a dentist for almost never I only spent 1-2 hrs with my super hot fittie dentist.

11) On my way home, I saw a house-cum-yarn-shop and bought a roll of yarn to crochet me a nice blankie to go with my new bed sheets. Yes, I forgot to mention my bed sheets that came last week! *squeals*

I liked the colour of the yarn when I saw it but I'm not so sure if I like that effect on my blanket.. And I was forced to by a metal crochet hook in a tacky bright colour although the blue is similar to that of my bicycle, JC so maybe that's ok.
85% wool and 15% mohair in preparation for winter

I love my pillow cases and duvet cover which came at a discount from Macy's but still pricey.. Since I fell in love with them, I couldn't let go.
The same couldn't be said for the red bed sheet and red pillow cases. It is 100% polyesther and comes with a tacky sheen to it. Worse, it is thin. And I feel like a prostitute just owning it.
I bought a new blue cotton mix polyesther sheet from Target on Sunday so I feel decent again.

My room is still work-in-progress and well, will never be design savvy  because I am essentially practising semi-student living.
But my bed is my kingdom and sanctuary. It will look nice! Will hopefully buy some decorative pilllows too.

And this is what happens when one tries to condense and fit too many things into one post. Argh! And, well, I have been using facebook more often to post stuff..

Quotes

Of my ex and I.

And I guess it was easier than other relationships because it was clear what cannot be.

First Day of Residency

Today was the first day of residency which begins with four days of orientation before actual clinical duties start. (Un)fortunately for me, I am awaiting a license to practice and so will only start in four to five weeks time i.e. I am off-cycle. Either that, or I cut back my vacation time completely this year or over the next four years. If I could survive surgery without vacation, I'd do it. My second choice would be going off cycle.

So, it has been three days since I've been in the States. It doesn't feel too surreal. It is an achievement but I don't particularly feel or see fireworks. But, I am glad and thankful to be relatively calm and relaxed despite the circumstances. There's still a mountain of paperwork to do pertaining to licensure, bank stuff, human resources, liaising with various organizations and the list is so long I keep forgetting something!

Yesterday was pretty eventful. I went round saying hello to some people I had been liasing with and got some information sorted. Initially, I had been fretting about needing to be at work at 5am! I have no car right now and I was pre-occupied in my mind about buying a bike to ride into work. I used to be able to zoom down roads and corners at super high speed on a bicycle as a kid but the magic seems to have disappeared when my childhood ended. I can ride down a straight road but when it comes to turning, OMG what a sight! Anyway, I did find a bike I think I can get along with quite well. Its a Jamis Citizen 14" frame bike that lets me plant my feet firmly on the ground to break a fall. Yes, I think it was because people started giving me 21" frame bikes that destroyed my confidence... I may get the bike this weekend. Who knows.

People have been generally really friendly, helpful and cheerful here. I bumped into a few university students who had graduated. It was nice talking to people not in healthcare.They were in engineering, film and public communications and they pointed out the $1 beer joint to me. I'm kinda skeptical about how good the beer is. In retrospect, I wished I joined them to find out but I get social anxiety. Please, it was reflex. My higher cortex now tells me I was stupid not to go. But then again, I struggled through paperwork half awake last night so maybe it was good I came home a little earlier. 

The students pointed me out to the local AT&T which now offers SIM cards. I don't think they did back in 2010 and so, that is great. for $50 I get unlimited minutes, texts and international texts (excluding Malaysia and the United Kingdom, what a great coincidence). I'm glad that's sorted.

Today was orientation and after two other orientation's previously, orientation is just orientation. However, this was a pretty well executed orientation. Stuff seriously happened on time. Nobody went over time. Nobody ran out of time. Fine details maybe but I was impressed. Also, these guys here start earlier than I'm used to. 0730 hours today and 0700 hours tomorrow. By 0900 it felt like 1200 but it wasn't 1200. I got to meet other residents and yeah, it was nice just meeting others in the same boat. 

Ok, gotta get back to Paperwork Mountain.

Why America?

For a few weeks now, I have been dropping not-so-subtle hints that I was leaving the United Kingdom. Family and friends were generally clueless and curious as I gave vague answers. The matter of fact was, I was feeling pretty uncertain. Also, nervous and I guess I preferred avoiding the subject in great detail like there was some sort of subconscious taboo.

But in the recent week, things have become clearer yet surreal too. Right now, I'm headed to the United States on a long ass flight. It is long because I didn't have time to make a Japanese transit visa which would have made the flight several hours shorter.

I suppose the next natural question that 'll succeed "where are you going?" is "why have you gone (there)?".

Wow. That is a big question. It is big because there are so many layers to it and ways to approach it. And, I guess it would depend who I am talking to as well.

Maybe I should try and tackle it now seeing that it'll probably be a question my new colleagues might pose to me. But right now, that's kinda boring to think about so let's start with what I have been thinking about.

I think, 'Why not?'. Afterall, life begins at the end of one's comfort zone. I know the ropes of working in the UK and Malaysia. America is regarded as a a challenge and I do feel challenged to discover my potential. To see another part of the world and experience it first hand. And, I think this helps me appreciate how lucky I am... And how things could be worse or better... And how I could be a happier and better person... And the list goes on.

I have also been thinking it is totally ironic I am headed to America because America was the reason that, well, changed my hopes and dreams in September 2011.

There were two people who were instrumental in encouraging me to 'break into America' as they call it. The first came first and was none other than my mentor. The second was my ex-boyfriend who was dead set on going that he got all the preliminary stuff done and I took the plunge and did it too.

I guess as the ex-boyfriend knew he would play a fair part in my decision to go to America. He knew I'd go back to Malaysia should he insist. Or even Singapore or Australia. I think he tried a lot of tactics to discourage me to follow him and it's strange how he had to come out with the truth to make me decide rather than passively follow.

My friend ES says never to follow a man. I now try to live by that rule but it is also strange how not having had lived that rule set me free.

And, maybe my ex didn't expect me to choose to go to America but I did.. backed by my mentor. Afterall, I've done the motions and why not?

I guess I could give a cliched answer as to "Why America?" but where is the challenge in that?

Why not? That's what I would like to open with. It liberated me. It'll liberate me even more if I succeed; I see so many doors unlocking. I hope it'll make me a better, happier and more open-minded individual who will contribute to society. I'm up for a challenge. So, why not?

Can We Be Friends?

EW: He obviously loved and cared for you.

Me: Yes, I know. But in a fag hag kinda way.

EW: Yes, he did..

Me: I know he loved and cared for me but he should have just told me and not made me his girlfriend. We'd be friends now. It is too late now.

Why don't I want to be friends with this guy? Why? Because gay ex-partners always say the same things about the women they had a relationship with, "I love her. (I love my child [If they had one]). But I love my gay partner even more and like nothing else in the world". It is true. They say that unanimously. Different men but all along the same lines. My gay ex-boyfriend also implied that during our break-up chats. That would make me feel really special, wouldn't it? And the fact a person wouldn't put their own child first is..... like, wtf.

My Friend KA

It's actually really late and I shouldn't be doing this. Out of all the things I should do, maybe this technically should be the lowest priority.

But I feel I need to. I should do.

I stepped through the doors of my flat today and I remembered my friend, KA. I had only known KA a year but KA turned out a great friend. KA was a mature student but even then, I felt KA had the wisdom that surpassed KA's chronological age.

I recall a lot of conversations I had with KA. I thought they were meaningful and deep and maybe I learnt a bit more about life. I remembered once KA telling me how KA's father would say to KA's mother, "Stop pottering about the house doing housework. It can wait. Come sit with me and talk to me!". And they had been married decades.

In the same conversation, KA also said, "You can be with someone for years and still not know them". This statement, I challenged at that time. I thought it was untrue and I used my relationship with my ex then as an example in my arguement against KA's statement. I think in the end we agreed to disagree.

But in the last few days, I find myself seeing KA's statement in a different and more positive light. What's wrong with being with someone for years and still not knowing them? KA's parents have been with each other for years and enjoy talking to each other as if there's so much more to know about the other. How can we assume we know someone like the back of our hand? Wouldn't that make it mundane, dull, boring and routine? No, we don't want that! I don't want that! I want it to be interesting and remain interested. And, I guess seeing KA's statement in a more positive light helps me be a better person.

Of course,  please, no nasty surprises like, "Honey, I'm gay", though.

I guess I think about this now because I've started talking to someone whom I find interesting. I initially wondered how long the interest would last. And, I remembered what KA said.... about his parents and about never truly knowing everything about someone. That made me happy.

And, of KA. KA came and went but was one of my friends who left many words of wisdom for me to ponder about... :-)

Imma Pirate. Arr!

this body is but a vessel
sailing the sea that is life
bobbing the waves
the ups and downs of life
journeying new paths
the adventure that is life

Moving Out Sale

Setting up an on-line sale of my things on Facebook and Gumtree.

I hope people buy something. It seems an effort but it has gotta be done. I wish I had a car to drive to a car boot sale. I wish I could lay all my stuff outside on the grass of our flat and sell stuff.

I wish I could go out and play in the lovely British summertime weather like everyone else but maybe this is the sacrifice I have got to make

Anyway, here's some stuff I managed to snap pictures of:

Taking Back Sunday

I used to listen to indie, indie rock, rock and all that kinda stuff when I was in secondary school, college and early university. Music (or my music) kinda took a back seat when I went out with my classical-crazy gay ex-boyfriend.

But yeah, I have been listening to more of my music again. Who knew I still had that all in me! I iz happy! Yes, there's the mainstream stuff but at the end of the day, I remember the genre I like better than popular music.

I have my usual bands I like to go to but have been recently a exploring the stuff DC gave me from years ago which I didn't quite get to 'cos I started going out with classical-crazy guy not long after. One of the bands I really like is Taking Back Sunday. What an awesome name as well.

(Other stuff I realize I don't really like from the list is the White Stripes.... Urgh)

So, here's a live MV from Taking Back Sunday. They make great songs but their official music videos are like "WTF, I could've done that for you.. or if they had a bit more talent in video making like Wong Fu Productions, it'd look decent!".

Hence, I'm showing you a video recorded live

New American Classic - Taking Back Sunday

And, the totally hosts the most fun concerts everrrrr...

And it seems someone realized they made shite videos and decided to help them out

Cute Without The E

Taking Back Sunday 

And, the magic (for me) begins at 2.09

Hoping for the best just hoping nothing happens 
A thousand clever lines unread on clever napkins 
I wil never ask if you don't ever tell me 
I know you well enough to know you never loved me 
Hoping for the best just hoping nothing happens 
A thousand clever lines unread on clever napkins 

Anything to make chores easier

Busy busy busy.

Been living off takeaway. Indian. Chinese. Thai. It's not bad considering weekly grocery shopping costs me as much as a takeaway that may stretch over a week.

And, laundry entah berapa minggu x buat. Every one to two weeks is my usual but this bertimbun two to three weeks hot. Ironing madness!

Peace out x

This Week

Wow, to imagine that one week ago I was brawling my eyes out like I just broke up with my ex. I contemplated blogging then but besides brawling my eyes out, trying to get over the problem and move on.. I had other pressing issues and couldn't blog.

Yes, been a bit busy lately.. or rather, as always.

Basically, last week was super busy and last Friday was no exception. I toiled and toiled and toiled and finished work at 7pm. I got an e-mail for a phone interview which was to be held between 5-8 pm and when I called, they said, "Sorry, didn't hear from you so no chance".

I didn't think I would have been so upset but I was really upset. First, macam panah stuck in my heart and I was numb. After pottering round the house and contemplating the day's events I just cried and cried and cried. Wa, I bersusah payah at work also no one appreciate and summore come home to get rejected. So, cried like waterfall lu. But still had afterwork work to do, so cry and do lor.

But this week has been pretty awe-sum. Had three job offers. The first one was a bit dodgy. The second one was teasing me. The third one was by far the best offer and interview and at one point, the guy said the nicest thing said to me this week:

"XX saw your application and he saw that you were going to AA and that you row. He told me not to interview you... but to just give you the job!". I was like, "Awwwww, danke! Danke! Wow". Ok, couldn't think of anything witty to say but maybe should have asked him why he didn't just give :-p

And so, I was gonna start a new section to this blog which I will call: The Nicest Thing Said To Me This Week.

Last week's nicest thing was by my friend MT. And the conversation is as below:
Me: Ey, MT, you got guy to intro to X or not?
MT: Ey! If got also I intro to you first la!!
Me: Ok, ok.. What about Y? You got guy to intro or not?
MT: I said already lor, if got also intro to you first la! Haha.

I guess things went pretty good this week despite also having one of the most sakit hati thing said to me this week. All-in-all, I guess I'm grateful and I am sorry for anything I did wrong...

The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel

At the moment, I am rotating through a four month placement called 'Care of the Elderly', a more plain term for a specialized branch of medicine called Geriatrics. Most days are spent looking after people aged 65 and above. Even then, 65 is fairly young and most of people under our care are around 80-ish. Occasionally, one gets the centurion...

Trailer for The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel

Anyway, I always wanted to watch The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel (for the Elderly and Beautiful). It's a British movie released several months ago and may not be everyone's cup of tea. But I saw the trailer of Dev Patel proudly announcing "Welcome.. to the Best Marigold Hotel!" with great sincerity and instantly decided it would be a movie I will want to see, no matter what. Despite the lukewarm reviews from friends, I still wanted to watch it.

Imagine my delight when I saw it was screening at my local cinema!

I walked into the screen and it was rather amusing to note that I was probably the only person under 50 years of age there. Definitely the only person under 40. And, I was watching a film about elderly people. Having spend the whole day being surrounded by the aging made me think about my future as an elderly person, my journey there, my dreams, hopes and fears; and to think about my elderly patients, their feelings, hopes and fears.

I loved the movie.

I loved the movie because it was down-to-earth and daily-life comedy. I loved the movie because the relationships between characters was simple yet profound. I loved the movie because each character had their own agenda which they believed in or eventually believed in. I loved the emotions conveyed which were so vividly real! I loved the movie because it tossed and turned, tumbled, flipped and stirred my emotions all round. The script was amazing. So many lines I loved. So many basic but philosophical lines. And, I play it in my mind over and over. I love the movie because it seems to portray so much of what I think/believe of in life. I love the movie in so many ways and parts I can't seem to do my own feelings justice. "Words fail me", as one of the characters said.

For the first time, in a movie, I let myself cry without holding the tears back. There was one scene where the man dreamt and had such passion to 'see the top of the mountain'. He had his vision blow out like a candle the spark completely disappeared from his eyes and I cried.

And there was the case of the gay couple... And the man who had no secrets with his wife. "That's the way it should be". Yes, no secrets.

It was a wonderous 2.25 hours. I thought, "Don't send the OAPs to Jaipur. Send me instead!".

When it was over, I had to go home... in the cold. But, it didn't feel cold. All I could think of was various scenes in the movie, how they touched me. I just wanted to put my face in my hands to laugh and cry.

Dream

Or maybe a nightmare.

Yesterday I dreamt the ex texted me several times to my distaste. He said over several texts:

1. Hi-how-are-you-what's-going-on kinda nonsense. I didn't reply
2. I'm really depressed here. I didn't reply
3. I'm a boozer now and I karaoke every day. I didn't reply but I'm like well, this guy is seriously enjoy his gay clubs to the max (ya, karaoke..) but being a depressed boozer is worrying.

Would I have texted back? Most likely, no. I'd probably tell his friends and family instead so they can sort him out. It wouldn't do me any good to help him and I may end up resenting him even more.

Anyway, I haven't blogged in a while cuz I have been super duper busy. I just wanna lie on the grass, you know? Sigh.

Hopes & fears.

Dreams & tears.

Happiness, I yearn.

Smashing Pumpkins

My playlist consists of really old stuff that goes on replay all the time. Never gets praise from Flatmate Number 2. Ok, I do have new mainstream stuff which gets old/boring quickly and I feel like I don't really wanna hear David Guetta feat X all the time.

I remember this guy called DC whom I was on an attachment with in 2007 who was an Oxbridge transfer. He apparently used to be goth because I was looking through his extensive music playlist and wuz like, "Hey, why all these songs?" and he let it slip. He said all pictorial evidence had been destroyed. He looked like Scott Pilgrim from Scott Pilgrim vs the World when I knew him. Bummer, I tried to picture him goth and it was ticklish. Anyway, I told him the stuff I listened to and he said to pick up a few things and the Smashing Pumpkins was among his suggestions. And, the Smashing Pumpkins was the *BEST* ever suggestion.

I knew of SP but never heard them on radio. Malaysians don't listen to stuff like that on radio. I only knew Dashboard Confessional thru WOM (word of mouth).

Smashing Pumpkins - 1979

I think this is one of the more popular songs but I like all their songs I can't tell which wouldn't float other people's boat

When listening to a song, lyrics do little for me in the first instance. It is the "minus one" (as they call it) that I listen to and if I like it, I think about the lyrics. SP had minus ones I love song after song after song after song after song after song... except for a couple like Zero and Silverfuck which really depends on my mood. Their songs makes me wanna put my head on the table, in my palm and think..

Think.. Think.. How.. Why.. Why.. How.. Why.. How... Why.. How.. Why.. How.. How.. Why. How. does.Billy.Corgan.come.up.with.this.stuff??

He probably won't get praise from Simon Cowell about his singing but who cares about Simon.

Simon Cowell, the only 'celebrity' we saw in 2010 in LA.
There were LOADS of papparazzis around keeping their distance. This woman with the black top walked towards him and his new girlfriend with her camera. She then asked him to take a picture of HER AND HER HUSBAND.. which he did.
Somebody really didn't care who he was.

And when I like the song, and if I care enough for it to sing it.. I look up the lyrics. Billy writes lyrics like proper poems. They don't make instance sense. It needs to be thought about and appreciated. Chris Carrabba writes it pretty much as is. But Billy.....

And after a day of emotional turmoil, listening to the Smashing Pumpkins rid me of all the knots inside and I could lay my head down to rest till the morning.

Smashing Pumpkins - Disarm
Great theme song for home-alone children

Smashing Pumpkins - Blew Away

A James Iha song

If I ever could play a classical instrument, it'd be the violin or percussion. Always sounds so epic in modern songs.

Swaps

Remember the Anthropologie Lilac platform heels and the red shirt dress I bought last week?

Pierina Bow Pumps
Further reduction by £20! :-)

Well, as expected Anthro dropped the price of the shoes by £20 and I decides I didn't like the shirt dress because its arm holes were unusually large.. And it was rather expensive!

Four Corner Shirtdress
Super large arm holes to air those sweaty pits
R-E-T-U-R-N!

So I had to go into their Regent's Street store today to do a return and price reduction. I premeditated my move ie go in, straight to counter and walk out. But Anthro is my vice. I walked in and I felt the tug to the rather extensive sales section tucked in a corner in their basement.

Some of the stuff tugged on my heart strings and some was a little cheaper than the last time.

I used my returns and price reduction to get four items in return.

Slouched Sailor Blouse
100% silk

Pilcro Hyphen Straight Boyfit Trousers
This is Size 28 which is a little snug and 29 was just loose
Gotta shed some fatty tissue!

No-Strange-Name-Blouse
I think this looks kinda like my H&M Marni top
Love it!

Peppered Plana Dress
Mix of silk, linen and cotton (isn't linen cotton)
A whooping £80 and I just tried it on because body itchy. Hehehe.
True to reviews, the cut is really funny but it is a great design with a sexy back!
I didn't get this. The fourth thing I bought was a present, so no picture.

The Path of Least Resistance

People had been posting this blog entry on Facebook today. It was about a student who score A1's in sixteen secondary school subjects and secured himself a government scholarship to the States.

He would be about 17 or 18 by now and I admire him for realizing that nobody cares if you have got sixteen A1's at his stage i.e. college. I only figured that out at university because well, I think that's when people stopped asking, I suppose.

Anyway, I was reading his blog and lol, it is true how hard you can study and get shit grades in the Sijil Pelajaran Malaysia (SPM). I can't remember how many subjects I took (less than ten!) but I remember History and Moral were a compulsory part of the set. Moral... Moral... I always thought Moral studies a punishment for not being Muslim. It doesn't teach Ethics or Morality. It's just a 'study' of sixteen values defined by a set of keywords made into a sentence. Very pointless. But sounds like an easy A1 grade to bag, right?

So I studied really 'hard' for moral to remember the sixteen or so values. And, I thought if I did moral well, I could concentrate less on History. So I would get xA's and a lousy grade for History. That was a reasonable objective for the time I had left despite having started revision early.

I remember sitting in the car with my mum for about an hour reading my History book... Flipping through spotted questions at the very last minute thinking I wasn't gonna do well.

On results day. Lo and behold. Moral B3. WTF. 

History A2. WTF man.

So, I feel for people like this guy. He must really hate people like me. LOL. Study so hard but for what?

And these days, I feel myself taking the path of least resistance (and most happiness?) even more than before because the outcome is the same and it was the journey that mattered.

If I could do it all over again?

- Take up art, aced it so bad the whole country cried and employed more qualified art teachers

- Studied the bare minimum for subjects I didn't care for like MORAL studies; maybe use the free time to protest against MORAL studies; campaign for the re-instatement of mother tongue classes whilst Muslim students did they Islamic studies; and sleep even more.